Film Director (teeth)

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Sketch:

(Cut to late-night line-up setting. Interviewer and interviewee.)

Padget: Martin Curry, welcome. One of the big teeth… big points that the American critics made about your latest film, 'The Twelve Caesars', was that it was on so all-embracing a topic. What made you undertake so enormous a tusk… task?

(We now see that his interviewee has two enormous front teeth.)

Curry: Well I've always been interested in Imperial Rome from Julius Caesar right through to Vethpathian.

Padget: Who?

Curry: Vethpathian.

Padget: Ah! Vespasian.

Curry: Yes.

Padget: When I saw your film it did seem to me that you had taken a rather, urn, subjective approach to it.

Curry: I'm sorry?

Padget: Well, I mean all your main characters had these enormous … well not enormous, these very big … well let's have a look at a clip in which Julius Incisor …. Caesar talks to his generals during the baffle against Caractacus.

Curry: I don't see that at all.

(Film: interior of a tent; generals around a table.)

Labienus: (with relatively enormous front teeth) Shall I order the cavalry that they may hide themselves in the wood, O Caesar?

All: (with very large front teeth) Thus O Caesar.

Julius: (with amazingly large front teeth) Today is about to be a triumph for our native country.

(Back to interview set.)

Padget: Martin Curry, why do all your characters have these very big er … very big um … teeth?

Curry: What do you mean?

Padget: Well, I mean, er… and even in your biblical epic, 'The Son of Man', John the Baptist had the most enormous … dental appendages … and of course … himself had the most monumental ivories.

Curry: No, I'm afraid I don't see that at all. (picks up glass of water but can't get it to his mouth) Could I have a straw?

Padget: Oh, a straw, yes, yes. Well while we're doing that perhaps we could take another look at an earlier film, 'Trafalgar'.

(Between decks. Nelson lying among others. They all have enormous teeth.)

Nelson: Cover my coat, Mr Bush, the men must not know of this till victory is ours.

Toad: The surgeon's coming, sir.

Nelson: No, tell the surgeon to attend the men that can be saved. He can do little for me, I fear.

Toad: Aye, aye, sir.

Nelson: Hardy! Hardy!

Hardy: Sir?

Nelson: Hardy…' kiss… er … put your hand on my thigh.

(Back to interview set. Curry is sitting practically upside down, trying to drink water with much difficulty)

Padget: Martin Curry, thank you. Well. We asked the first-night audience what they thought of that film.

(Cut to vox pops.)