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Sketch:
Cut to John Rickman type person with hat which he raises. There
are white rails behind him which might be a racecourse.
Rickman (Michael)
Good afternoon and welcome to Wife-Swapping from Redcar. And
the big news this morning that the British boy Boris Rogers has
succeeded in swapping his nine-stone Welsh-born wife for a Ford
Popular and a complete set of Dickens. Well now, I can see they're
ready at the start and so let's go over now for the start of the
3.30.
Cut to high shot of a street with about 10 houses on each side.
Rickman
And first let's catch up with the latest news of the betting.
CAPTION:
No. 12 Betty Parkinson 7/4 on fav
No. 27 Mrs E. Colyer 9/4
No. 14 Mrs Casey 4/1
5/1 bar
Voice Over (Eric)
Number 12 Betty Parkinson 7 to 4 on favourite, number 27 Mrs
Colyer 9 to 4, 5 to 1 bar those.
Rickman
And here's the starter Mrs Alec Marsh, (she climbs onto a
rostrum and fires a gun) and they're off.
One of the doors opens and a lady rushes across the street into
another house. Other doors start opening up and down the street, with
ladies criss-crossing out of each other's houses. About twenty seconds
of this high activity.
Rickman
And Mrs Rogers is the first to show, there she goes into Mr
Johnson's, and Mrs Johnson across to Mr Colyer, followed closely
by Mrs Casey on the inside. Mrs Parkinson, number 12, going well
there into Mr Webster's from the Co-op, Mrs Colyer's making ground
fast after a poor start, she's out of Mr Casey's into Mr Parkinson's,
she's a couple of lengths ahead of Mrs Johnson who's still not out
of Mr Casey's. Mrs Penguin and at number 8 Mrs Colyer -- these two
now at the head of the field from Mrs Brown, Mrs Atkins, Mrs Parkinson,
Mrs Warner and Mrs Rudd -- all still at Mr Philips's. Mrs Penguin
making the running now, challenged strongly by Mrs Casey, Mrs Casey
coming very fast on the inside, it's going to be Mrs Casey coming
from behind. Now she's making a break on the outside, Mrs Penguin
running … and at the line, it's Mrs Casey who's got it by a short
head from Mrs Penguin in second place, Mrs Parkinson in third, Mrs
Rudd, Mrs Colyer, Mrs Warner and there's Mrs Griffiths who's remained
unwrapped.
One lady is left in the middle of the road. Cut back to Rickman
at the course railing.
Rickman
Well, a very exciting race there, and I have with me now the
man who owned and trained the winner, Mrs Casey -- Mr Casey. Well
done, Jack.
Mr Casey (Terry J.)
Thank you, John.
Rickman
Well, were you at all surprised about this, Jack?
Mr Casey
No, not really, no she's been going very well in training, and
at Doncaster last week, and I fancy her very strongly for the Cheltenham
weekend.
Rickman
Well, thank you very much indeed, Jack. We must leave you now
because it's time for the team event.
Peter West type figure in a white DJ standing with five ladies
in ball gowns and two gentlemen.
CAPTION: Come Wife-Swapping -- North West v the South East
Peter (Eric)
Hello, and a very warm welcome from the Tower ballroom suite
at Reading, where there's very little in it, they're neck and neck,
crop and grummit, real rack and saddle, brick and bucket, horse
and tooth, cap and thigh, arse over tip, they're absolutely birds
of a feather, there's not a new pin in it, you couldn't get a melon
between them. Well, now, everything rests on the formation event
and here comes the North West with the Mambo. Maestro, take it away,
please.
Cut to two lines of ballroom dancers, ladies opposite gentlemen,
sixteen altogether. The ladies are in nasty tulle, the gents in tails,
with numbers on their backs. Mambo music starts its intro. At the back
of the hall a large banner says `Mecca Wife-Swapping'. The men bow and
the ladies curtsey; each pair joins hands and they wait for a few bars.
Then the two teams start grabbing each other and wrestling on the ground.
A vast orgy breaks out as they roll all over the floor. Cut quickly
to Frank Bough in the `Grandstand' studio.
Frank Bough (Michael)
And now it's time for Rugby League, and highlights of this afternoon's
game between Keighley and Hull Kingston Rovers.
Cut to a field where mud-caked rugby league players, one team
in hooped shirts and the other in red, are getting ready for a scrum.
CAPTION: Keighley 2 Hull K.R. 23
Eddie Waring (Eric)
(voice over) Well, good afternoon and as you can see,
Hull Kingston Rovers are well in the lead, it's a scrum down on
the twenty-five for Keighley, Tom Colyer with the put-in, Mrs Colyer
to be put.
The scrum has formed up, the scrum half has a dummy woman, small
and light but real looking, tucked under his arm, while he steadies
the scrum. He puts her into the scrum, and after a lot of kicking she
is eventually heeled out.
Eddie Waring
And there goes his wife into the scrum. And Hull have got the
heel against the head. Doing nicely with this scrum, some very good
picking here. Warrington's picked her up, is he going to let her
go, Wrigley's with him, grand lad is this.
Mrs Colyer is picked up by the scrum half who makes a run with
her. Handing off a strong tackle and dodging with her, he side steps
and slips Mrs Colyer to a back who makes a run through and touches her
down between the posts. They leave the lady dumped down between the
posts and run to congratulate and hug each other.
Eddie Waring
Well, that was right on the whistle, Rovers walkin' it there,
winnin' easily by twenty-six points to two.
Cut to Frank Bough again in the `Grandstand' set.
Frank Bough
Just a reminder that on `Match of the Day' tonight you can see
highlights of two of this afternoon's big games: Mrs Robinson v
Manchester United and Southampton v Mr Rogers, a rather unusual
game that. And here's a late result… Coventry nil, Mr Johnson's
Una three -- Coventry going down at home, there. Just a little reminder
that the next sport you can see on BBC1 will be 9.20 on Wednesday
night, when `Wife Swapping with Coleman' comes live from my place.
Till then, goodnight.
