It's the Arts / Johann Gambolputty… von Hautkopft of Ulm

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Man: (rushing in) I thought you did that so well Mr Figgis, could I have your autograph?

Figgis: You certainly can.

(Presenter signs autograph. Part of his signature gets away (animation) and eventually leads us into the title: 'It's the Arts'. Classical music plays.)

Figgis: Beethoven,.Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties …I'm sorry … Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker -thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser -kürstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -eine -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache -luber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker -kalbsfleisch -mittler -raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm. To do justice to this man, thought by many to be the greatest name in German Baroque music, we present a profile of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker - thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser - kurstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache - auuber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker-kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm We start with an interview with his only surviving relative Karl Gambolputty de von Ausfern…..(fades out)

(Cut to old man sitting blanketed, in wheel-chair, as he speaks, intercut with shot of interviewer nodding and looking interested.)

Karl: Oh ja. When I first met Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dingle -dangle -dongle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker - thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser - kurstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mitz -weimache - auuber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker-kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm, he was with his wife, Sarah Gambolputty de von…

Interviewer: (as he speaks intercut with shots of Karl nodding and trying to look interested) Yes, if I may just cut in on you there, Herr Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dingle -dangle -dongle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker - thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser - kurstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mitz -weimache - auuber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker-kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.

(No response. He shakes the old man, then gets up and listens to his heart. Realizing with exasperation that his intewiewee has died, he starts digging a grave. Cut back to presenter.)

Figgis: A tribute to Johann Gambolputty…

(Cut to Viking)

Viking: … de yon Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter …

(Cut to weedy man in pullover with National Health specs.)

Man:… crasscrenbon-fficd-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle …

(Cut to a knight in armour.)

Knight in Armour: … dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher…

(Cut to a succession of animated characters.)

Mona Lisa: … apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic…

Lon Chaney: ….grander-knorty-spelltinkle.

Policeman: … grandlich …

Pig: … grumblemeyer …

Policeman: … spelterwasser…

Boar: … kurstlich-himbleeisen …

Botticelli Lover: … bahnwagen-gutenabend ..

Medieval Couple: . .. bitte-ein-nürmburger.

Family Group: … bratwurstle…

Doctor: … gerspurten …

Bishop & Saint: … mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut…

Two Dancers: … gumberaber-schönendanker…

Three Naked Ladies: … kalbsfieisch…

Cricket Team: … mittler-aucher…

Policemen: … von Hautkopf…

Figgis: … of Ulm.