Mr. and Mrs. Git
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Sketch:(A cocktail party in Dulwich. Quiet party-type music. Constant chatter.)
Host Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door neighbour. John Stokes, this is A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. Ah!
Mr Git: Hello, I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face for a moment just then, but you needn't worry - I'm used to it. That's the trouble of having a surname like Git.
John: Oh … yes, yes.
Mr Git: We did think once of having it changed by deed-poll, you know - to Watson or something like that. But A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Watson's just as bad eh?
John: Yes, yes, I suppose so.
(Mrs Git approaches.)
Mr Git: Oh, that's my wife. Darling! Come and meet Mr… what was it?
John: Stokes-John Stokes.
Mr Git: Oh yes. John Stokes, this is my wife, Dreary Fat Boring Old.
John: Oh, er, how do you do.
Mrs Git: How do you do.
(Mrs Stokes appears.)
Mrs Stokes: Darling, there you are!
John: Yes, yes, here I am, yes.
Mr Git: Oh, is this your wife?
John: Yes, yes, yes, this is the wife. Yes. Um darling, these, these are the Gits.
Mrs Stokes: (slightly shocked) What?
John: The Gits.
Mr Git: Oh, heaven's sakes we are being formal. Does it have to be surnames?
John: Oh, no, no. Not at all. No. Um, no, this… this… this is my wife Norah, er, Norah Jane, Norah Jane Stokes. This is Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. And this is his wife Dreary Fat Boring Old Git.
Mr Git: I was just telling your husband what an awful bore it is having a surname like Git.
Mrs Stokes: (understanding at last) OH Oh well, it's not that bad.
Mr Git: Oh, you've no idea how the kids get taunted. Why, only last week Dirty Lying Little Two-Faced came running home from school, sobbing his eyes out, and our youngest, Ghastly Spotty Horrible Vicious Little is just at the age when taunts like 'she's a git' really hun. Yes.
(Mrs Git gobs colourfully into her handbag.)
John: Do … do you live round here?
Mr Git: Yes, we live up the road, number 49 - you can't miss it. We've just had the outside painted with warm pus.
John: (with increasing embarrassment) Oh.
Mr Git: Yes. It's very nice actually. It goes nicely with the vomit and catarrh we've got smeared all over the from door.
Mrs Stokes: I think we ought to be going. We have two children to collect.
Mr Git: Oh, well, bring them round for tea tomorrow.
Mrs Stokes: Well…
Mr Git: It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed's birthday and she's having a disembowelling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage.
Voice Over: (and caption) 'And Now a Nice Version of That Same Sketch'
(Cut to exactly the same set-up as before.)
Host: John! Allow me to introduce our next-door neighhour. John, this is Mr Watson.
Watson: Hello. I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face just then but you needn't worry.
(Cut to nun.)
Nun: I preferred the dirty version.
(She is knocked out by the boxer. Cut to Women's Institute applause film.)