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Mr. and Mrs. Git

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(A cocktail party in Dulwich. Quiet party-type music. Constant chatter.)

Host Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door neighbour. John Stokes, this is A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. Ah!

Mr Git: Hello, I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face for a moment just then, but you needn't worry - I'm used to it. That's the trouble of having a surname like Git.

John: Oh … yes, yes.

Mr Git: We did think once of having it changed by deed-poll, you know - to Watson or something like that. But A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Watson's just as bad eh?

John: Yes, yes, I suppose so.

(Mrs Git approaches.)

Mr Git: Oh, that's my wife. Darling! Come and meet Mr… what was it?

John: Stokes-John Stokes.

Mr Git: Oh yes. John Stokes, this is my wife, Dreary Fat Boring Old.

John: Oh, er, how do you do.

Mrs Git: How do you do.

(Mrs Stokes appears.)

Mrs Stokes: Darling, there you are!

John: Yes, yes, here I am, yes.

Mr Git: Oh, is this your wife?

John: Yes, yes, yes, this is the wife. Yes. Um darling, these, these are the Gits.

Mrs Stokes: (slightly shocked) What?

John: The Gits.

Mr Git: Oh, heaven's sakes we are being formal. Does it have to be surnames?

John: Oh, no, no. Not at all. No. Um, no, this… this… this is my wife Norah, er, Norah Jane, Norah Jane Stokes. This is Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. And this is his wife Dreary Fat Boring Old Git.

Mr Git: I was just telling your husband what an awful bore it is having a surname like Git.

Mrs Stokes: (understanding at last) OH Oh well, it's not that bad.

Mr Git: Oh, you've no idea how the kids get taunted. Why, only last week Dirty Lying Little Two-Faced came running home from school, sobbing his eyes out, and our youngest, Ghastly Spotty Horrible Vicious Little is just at the age when taunts like 'she's a git' really hun. Yes.

(Mrs Git gobs colourfully into her handbag.)

John: Do … do you live round here?

Mr Git: Yes, we live up the road, number 49 - you can't miss it. We've just had the outside painted with warm pus.

John: (with increasing embarrassment) Oh.

Mr Git: Yes. It's very nice actually. It goes nicely with the vomit and catarrh we've got smeared all over the from door.

Mrs Stokes: I think we ought to be going. We have two children to collect.

Mr Git: Oh, well, bring them round for tea tomorrow.

Mrs Stokes: Well…

Mr Git: It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed's birthday and she's having a disembowelling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage.

Voice Over: (and caption) 'And Now a Nice Version of That Same Sketch'

(Cut to exactly the same set-up as before.)

Host: John! Allow me to introduce our next-door neighhour. John, this is Mr Watson.

Watson: Hello. I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face just then but you needn't worry.

(Cut to nun.)

Nun: I preferred the dirty version.

(She is knocked out by the boxer. Cut to Women's Institute applause film.)