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Sketch:
`Nationwide' type music and credits. Michael Charlton in a studio.
Charlton (Eric)
Good evening and welcome to `Nationwide'. The programme where
we do rather wet things nationally and also give you the chance
to see some rather wet items in the Regions. Well, everyone is talking
about the Third World War which broke out this morning. But here
on `Nationwide' we're going to get away from that a bit and look
instead at the latest theory that sitting down regularly in a comfortable
chair can rest your legs. It sounds very nice doesn't it, but can
it be done? Is it possible or practical for many of us in our jobs
and with the sort of busy lives we lead to sit down in a comfortable
chair just when we want? We sent our reporter John Dull to find
out.
Cut to Dull sitting in a chair on Westminster Bridge.
Reporter (Graham)
Well, here I am on London's busy Westminster Bridge, seeing
just how much time sitting down can take. Well, I arrived here by
train at about 8.50, it's now 9.05, so I've been here approximately
twelve minutes and if it's any encouragement, I must say that my
legs do feel rested.
A policeman walks up to him.
Policeman (Michael)
Is this your chair?
Reporter
Er … well, no, it's a prop.
Policeman
It's been stolen!
Reporter
What?
Policeman
This belongs to a Mrs Edgeworth of Pinner -- she's standing
over there.
Cut to worried middle-aged lady, standing on the other side of
the road, peering across. She has an identical chair in one hand.
Reporter
Ah well, it's nothing to do with me. It's just a prop which
the BBC … aaargh!
The policeman pushes the reporter off and picks up the chair.
Policeman
It's got her name on the bottom. (he indicates: Mrs E. Edgeworth)
Reporter
Well er … perhaps you'd better give it back to her.
Policeman
You don't believe I'm a policeman, do you?
Reporter
Yes I do!
Policeman
What am I wearing on my head?
Reporter
A helmet
Policeman
(correcting him) A policeman's helmet!
Reporter
Yes.
Policeman
(taking off his helmet and demonstrating) You see that?
Reporter
Yes.
Policeman
That little number there?
Reporter
Yes.
Policeman
That is a Metropolitan Area Identification Code. No helmet is
authentic without that number.
Reporter
I see.
Policeman
Kids' helmets, helmets you get in toy shops, helmets you buy
at Christmas. None of them is authentic … Hang on. (he turns
and crosses the busy road)
Reporter
Oh could I …
Policeman
Hang on!
He goes across to Mrs Edgeworth, and tries to grab the other chair
from her. Mrs Edgeworth resists. He clouts her and pulls the chair away.
He brings it back across the road and sits down next to the reporter.
Policeman
Mind you I didn't join the police force just to wear the helmets
you know. That just happens to be one of the little perks. There
are plenty of jobs where I could have worn a helmet, but not such
a nice helmet. (Mrs Edgeworth is gesticulating; another policeman
comes up and drags her away) This helmet, I think, beats even
some of the more elaborate helmets worn by the Tsar's private army,
the so-called Axi red warriors. You know about them?
Reporter
Well, no I don't.
Policeman
Ah! Their helmets used to look like … you got any paper?
Reporter
Well only these scripts.
The policeman gets up, looks up the street, and selects a businessman
with a briefcase, who is hurrying away from him. The policeman runs
up to him, grabs his arm, twists it up behind his back and wrenches
the briefcase from his hand. He opens it, gets out some paper, then
drops briefcase before the amazed owner, and ambles back to his chair,
neatly grabbing a pen from a passer-by's inside pocket.
Policeman
I'll have that!
Man (?)
I say!
The policeman sits down again and starts to draw, talking the
while.
Policeman
Now then. Their helmet was not unlike the bobby's helmet in
basic shape. It had an emblem here, and three gold -- and in those
days it really was gold, that's part of the reason the Tsar was
so unpopular -- three gold bands surmounted by a golden eagle on
the apex here. Pretty nice helmet, eh?
Reporter
Yes.
Policeman
I think the domed helmet wins every time over the flattened
job, you know, even when they're three cornered … (suddenly
his eyes light on two office secretaries opening their packed lunch
on a nearby seat) … you want something to eat?
Reporter
(sensing what's going to happen, hurriedly) Well no,
er really …
Policeman
(approaching the girls and getting out his notebook)
Hang on. You can't park here you know.
Women ()
(bewildered) We're not parked!
Policeman
No parked! What's that then?
Women
That's our lunch.
Policeman
Right. I'm taking that in for forensic examination.
Women
Why?
Policeman
Because it might have been used as a murder weapon, that's why!
(the girls look at each other; the policeman grabs their lunch)
Yeah, not bad. Could be worse. (to the reporter) Beer?
Reporter
(desperately) No, no, please … honestly … please
…
The policeman walks off. There is a crash of breaking glass. An
alarm bell starts to ring. The reporter winces. The policeman walks
into shot again, holding two bottles of beer. He sits down, opens th
beers with his teeth and hands one to reporter who is very embarrassed.
Policeman
Now, the Chaldeans, who used to inhabit the area in between
the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, their helmets were of the modular
restrained kind of type …
