Pet Conversions

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Sketch:

(Caption: A PET SHOP SOMEWHERE NEAR MELTON MOWBRAY)

Man: Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.

Shopkeeper: Certainly sir. I've got a lovely terrier. (indicates a box on the counter)

Man: no, I want a cat really.

Shopkeeper: (taking box off counter and then putting it back on counter as if it is a different box) Oh yeah, how about that?

Man: (looking in box) No, that's the terrier.

Shopkeeper: Well, it's as near as dammit.

Man: Well what do you mean? I want a cat.

Shopkeeper: Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a lovely pussy cat.

Man: Its not a proper cat.

Shopkeeper: What do you mean?

Man: Well it wouldn't meow.

Shopkeeper: Well it would howl a bit.

Man: No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?

Shopkeeper: No, It's afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll tell you what though … I'll lop its back legs off, make good, strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of your own choice. (taking small box and rattling it) No problem. Lovely parrot.

Man: how long would that take?

Shopkeeper: Oh, let me see … er, stripping the fur off, no legs … (calling) Harry … can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?

Harry (off screen): No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then I got the frogs to let out.

Shopkeeper: Friday?

Man: No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present.

Shopkeeper: Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion … Tell you what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good …

Man: You'd need a very big tank.

Shopkeeper: It's a great conversation piece.

Man: Yes, all right, all right … but, er, only if I can watch.