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You see the public are idiots … (he has a conference tag on
his lapel which reads `Chief TV Planner'; he turns from the window to
a conference table, piled with drinks) Yes … you might just as
well show them the last five miles of the M2 … they'd watch it, eh?
Cut to Mrs Mock Tudor and Mrs Elizabeth III watching TV. There is
a film of the motorway on it, filmed from the bank beside a bridge.
Mrs Mock Tudor (Graham)
At last they done been put on something interesting.
Mrs Elizabeth III (Terry J.)
Oh, most interesting.
Cut back to the programme planners' conference.
First Planner (Eric)
(reading figures) … and our figures show that the motorways
are extremely popular. I mean, last time we showed a repeat of the Leicester
bypass our ratings gave us 97,300,912, and ITV nought. So I do feel
we ought to give B roads their own series.
I'm sorry … we just can't give you a bigger budget.
Second Planner (Michael)
(to the second planner) No, he's left I think. (to the
senior executive) Why not?
We're not the only slice of the cake, you know.
Third Planner (Graham)
Wouldn't mind a slice of cake. Nice chocolate cake … delicious
I had a budgie once you know, amusing little chap, used to stick
his head in a bell … what was his name, now … Joey? … Xerxes?
We could repeat them …
No, repeat them …
You don't re-heat cakes. Not chocolate cakes.
What, repeat the cakes?
Mr Heath, that was the name of the budgie.
(looking at his watch) Good Lord, the bar's open! (they
all scramble madly to their feet) Oh no it isn't, I was looking
at the little hand that goes round very fast …
First Planner, Second Planner and Third Planner
They sit down again reluctantly. There is a short pause.
I've got it. We can retitle the repeats.
What … give them different names?
Wouldn't that mean retitling them?
Right -- all we need is new titles. And they must be damned new!
How about `Dad's Navy'?
Mm, good, good.
`Up Your Mother Next Door.'
Even better …
`Doctor At Bee'!
Chief Executive, First Planner and Second Planner
There is a knock at the door.
Someone's knocking at the door.
Quite like it -- bit long, though, I think.
Far too long.
`I Married Lucy.'
Hasn't that been done?
Oh, yes, a long time ago, though, they'd never remember it.
`Doctor at Three'!
There is a knock at the door.
I think someone's knocking at the door.
That's even longer!
`I Married A Tree.'
`And Mother Makes Tree.'
`Doctor At Cake'!
Continuous knocking on the door.
Look! I'm not absolutely certain, but, well I do rather get the
impression that there is someone actually knocking on the door at this
That's ridiculous. Half the programme gone. Stop lengthening it!
(desperate) `I Married A Cake'?
(over excited) `I Married Three Rabbit Jelly Moulds'!
Prefer a cake … specially chocky cake …
There is by now a constant hammering.
Security Man (Terry G.)
(yells from outside door) Open the sodding door!
No, no. You can't say `sodding' on the television.
All shake their heads. The door is broken in. Enter a neo-fascist-looking
security man in a wheelchair with an oriental sword through his head.
You're supposed to knock!
Sorry, sir, but there's trouble at studio five!
You're in security, aren't you?
(triumphantly) Well, you're not allowed to suggest programme
titles. (he smiles victoriously at others)
Sir! It's the World War series in studio five -- they're not taking
it seriously any more.
You're not allowed to suggest programme titles!
(switching on a TV set) Look!
They rush to the monitor. One of them brushes the oriental sword which
is through his head.
Ow! Mind me war wound!
Chief Executive, First Planner, Second Planner
and Third Planner
That's it! Very good title!
On the screen we see the court martial in progress as we saw it earlier
in the show, with the whole court singing.
Anything goes in. Anything goes out!
Fish, bananas, old
Mutton, beef and trout!
Anything goes in. Anything
goes out! etc.
Link to next sketch… in TV Series