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The Smuggler

Русский English Magyar

В ролях:

Джон Клиз
Майкл Пейлин
Эрик Айдл


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The cast:

John Cleese
Michael Palin
Eric Idle


(Scene : A Customs hall.)

Officer: Have you read this, sir? (holds up notice)

Man: No! Oh, yes, yes - yes.

Officer: Anything to declare?

Man: Yes … no! No! No! No! Nothing to declare, no, nothing in my suitcase no…

Officer: No watches, cameras, radio sets?

Man: Oh yes … four watches … no, no, no. No. One… one watch…No, no. Not even one watch. No, no watches at all. No, no watches at all. No precision watches, no.

Officer: Which country have you been visiting, sir?

Man: Switzerland … er … no … no … not Switzerland … er … not Switzerland, it began with S but it wasn't Switzerland… oh what could it be? Terribly bad memory for names. What's the name of that country where they don't make watches at all?

Officer: Spain?

Man: Spain! That's it. Spain, yes, mm.

Officer: The label says 'Zurich', sir.

Man: Yes well … it was Spain then.

Officer: Zurich's in Switzerland, sir.

Man: Switzerland, yes mm … mm … yes.

Officer: Switzerland - where they make the watches.

Man: Oh, nice shed you've got here.

Officer: Have you, er, got any Swiss currency, sir?

Man: No… just the watches… er just my watch, er, my watch on the currency… I've kept a watch of the currency, and l've watched it and I haven't got any.

Officer: That come out a bit glib didn't it? (an alarm clock goes off inside his case; the Man thumps it, unsuccessfully) Have you got an alarm clock in there, sir?

Man: No, no, heavens no, no… just vests. (he thumps the case and the alarm stops)

Officer: Sounded a bit like an alarm going off.

Man: Well it can't have been… it must be a vest, er, going off.

Officer: Going Off

(Clocks start ticking and chiming in the case. The man desperately thumps the case.) the case.

Man: All right, I confess, I'm a smuggler … This whole case is crammed full of Swiss watches and clocks. I've been purposely trying to deceive Her Majesty's Customs and Excise. I've been a bloody fool.

Officer: I don't believe you, sir.

Man: It's true. I'm, er, guilty of smuggling.

Officer: Don't give me that, sir … you couldn't smuggle a piece of greaseproof paper let alone a case full of watches.

Man: What do you mean! I've smuggled watches before, you know! I've smuggled bombs, cameras, microfilms, aircraft components, you name it - I've smuggled it.

Officer: Now come along please, you're wasting our time… move along please.

Man: Look! (he opens his case to reveal it stuffed full of watches and clocks) Look - look at this.

Officer: Look, for all I know, sir, you could've bought these in London before you ever went to Switzerland.

Man: What? I wouldn't buy two thousand clocks.

Officer: People do, now close your case move along please come on. Don't waste our time, we're out to catch the real smugglers. Come on.

Man: (shouting) I am a real smuggler. I'm a smuggler! Don't you understand, I'm a smuggler, a lawbreaker… a smuggler. (he is removed struggling)

(A vicar is next.)

Vicar: Poor fellow. I think he needs help.

Officer: Right, cut the wisecracks, vicar. Get to the search room, and strip.

(Cut to chairman of discussion group.)