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Выходил на:

  • Flying circus, season 1, episode 12
  • Monty Python's Flying Circus" (album)
  • Sketch:

    (Scene opens to a sitting room. Low sexy lighting - ha ha - soft sexy music. On the sofa are Victor and Iris just beginning to make passes at each other.)

    Victor: Would you mind terribly if I hold your hand?

    Iris: Oh no, no, not at all.

    Victor: Oh Iris, you're so very beautiful.

    Iris: Oh, do you really mean that?

    Victor: I do, I do, I do. I think… I'm beginning to fall in love with you.

    Iris: Oh Victor.

    Victor: It's silly isn't it?

    Iris: No, no, not at all dear sweet Victor.

    Victor: No I didn't mean that. Only just us being so close together for so many months in the soft-toy department and yet never daring to…

    Iris: Oh, oh Victor.

    Victor: Oh Iris. (they move closer to kiss; just before their lips meet the doorbell goes) Who can that be?

    Iris: Oh, well you try and get rid of them.

    Victor: Yes I will, I will.

    (Victor opens the front door. Arthur Name is standing outside the door.)

    Arthur: Hello!

    Victor: Hello.

    Arthur: Remember me?

    Victor: No I'm…

    Arthur: In the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago?

    Victor: No, I don't I'm afraid.

    Arthur: Oh, blimey, it's dark in here, (switches light on) that's better. Only you said we must have a drink together sometime, so I thought I'd take you up on it as the film society meeting was cancelled this evening.

    Victor: Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening.

    Arthur: (stepping in; to Iris) Hello, I'm Arthur. Arthur Name. Name by name but not by nature. I always say that, don't I Vicky boy?

    Victor: Really…

    Arthur: (to Victor) Is that your wife?

    Victor: Er, no, actually.

    Arthur: Oh, I get the picture. Eh? Well don't worry about me Vicky boy, I know all about one-night stands.

    Victor: I beg your pardon?

    Arthur: Mind if I change the record? (takes the record off)

    Victor: Look, look, we put that on.

    Arthur: Here's a good one, I heard it in a pub. What's brown, what's brown and sounds like a bell?

    Victor: I beg your pardon?

    Arthur: What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! Ha, ha, ha, that's a good one. I like that one, I won't keep you long. (the gramophone plays the 'Washington Post March' very loud) That's better, now don't worry about me. I'll wait here till you've finished.

    (The doorbell goes again.)

    Victor: Who the hell…

    Arthur: I'll get it. It'll be friends of mine. I took the liberty of inviting them along.

    Victor: Look, we were hoping to have a quiet evening on our own.

    Arthur: Oh, they won't mind. They're very broad-minded. Hello!

    (He opens the door; Mr and Mrs Equator walk in and go straight up to Victor.)

    Brian: Good evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing laugh) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold.

    Audrey: Hello, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…

    Victor: There must have been some kind of misunderstanding, because this is not the…

    Brian: Who's that then?

    Victor: What?

    Brian: Who's the bird?

    Victor: I'm…

    Brian: You got a nice pair there haven't you love. (puts hand on Iris's boobs and gives a wet kiss; Iris screams) Shut up you silly bitch, it was only a bit of fun.

    Victor: Now look here …

    Brian: Big gin please.

    Arthur: I'll get it.

    Victor: (going after Arthur) Look, leave those drinks alone.

    Audrey: And three tins of beans for me please.

    Brian: I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!

    Audrey: I only want three cans.

    Brian: Button your lip you rat-bag. (laughs uproariously)

    Audrey: (joins in) Ha, ha, ha, ha…

    Brian: It was rather witty, wasn't it? Where's my gin?

    (The doorbell goes.)

    Victor: Who the hell's that?

    Brian: Oh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along, as his wife has just passed away, and he's somewhat distraught poor chap. I hope you don't mind.

    Arthur: (opening door) Come on in.

    (In walks Mr Freight in underpants, sequins, eye make-up, white wellies, and necklace.)

    Mr Freight: Oh? My God, what a simply ghastly place.

    Brian: Not too good is it? A pint of crème de menthe for my friend. Well how are you, you great poof? (sits down) Bit lumpy …ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat. (throws it into fire)

    Iris: Aaaagh! Boo boo hooo.

    Mr Freight: I've asked along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up outside the Odeon.

    Brian: Is he sexy?

    (In walks Mr Cook with a goat. Freight kisses him.)

    Mr Cook: I had to bring the goat, he's not well. I only hope he don't go on the carpet.

    Brian: (to Iris) Come on then love, drop 'em.

    Iris: Aaaaaaagh! (runs out)

    Brian: Blimey, she don't go much do she.

    (He sits in chair which collapses.)

    Audrey: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oooooh! I've wet 'em

    Mr Cook: The goat's just done a bundle.

    (A group of singers run on, dressed as Welsh miners. All talk at once.)

    Victor: Look, get out all of you. Go on. Get out! Get t~ul!

    Brian: I beg your pardon?

    Victor: I'm turning you all out. I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts, now look, I'm giving you just hall' a minute then I'm going to call the police, so get out.

    Brian: I don't much like the tone of your voice. (shoots him) Right let's have a ding dong…

    All: (singing) Ding dong merrily on high, in Heaven the bells are ringing etc…