Toupee Department

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Sketch:

(A hand holding a sign saying 'Toupees' beckons Chris Quinn. He goes over to door and is ushered through. There are pictures of famous bald world figures with toupees on the walls.)

Toupee Manager: Don't worry, sir, you're among friends now, sir. (the manager has an appalling toupee; Chris sees it and tries not to stare; the manager introduces his assistants) Mr Bradford, Mr Crawley. (Bradford and Crawley come forward; each has a toupee worst than the others) These are our fitters, sir. We've had a lot of experience. in this field and we do pride ourselves we offer the best and most discreet service available. I don't know whether you'll believe this sir, but one of us is actually wearing a toupee at this moment…

Chris: Well, you all are, aren't you?

(They rush to a mirror.)

Bradford: Have you got one?

Crawley: Yes, but I didn't know…

Toupee Manager: I didn't realize that you two.., I thought it was me,

Crawley: Yes, I thought it was me,

Bradford: So did I. (to Crawley) That is good.

Chris: Actually, I only came in here to ask where the manager's office was.

Toupee Manager: Just a minute - someone told you we all had toupees?

Chris: No.

Crawley: Oh yeah?

Bradford: How did you know?

Chris: Well … it's pretty obvious, isn't it?

Crawley: What do you mean obvious! His is undetectable.

Chris: Well, it's a different colour, for a start.

Bradford: Is it?

Crawley: Course it isn't!

Chris: And it doesn't fit in with the rest of his hair… it sort of sticks up in the middle.

Bradford: It's better than yours.

Crawley: Yes.

Chris: I'm not wearing one. (they all jeer)

Toupee Manager: Oh, I see, you haven't got one.

Crawley: Why did you come in here then?

Chris: They told me to find the manager's office here.

(They all jeer again.)

Bradford: Oh no, not again.

Crawley: That's a bit lame, isn't it…

Chris: It's the truth!

All: Manager's office. (they laugh mockingly)

Bradford: Yeah, look at it. Where did you get that, Mac Fishcries?

Toupee Manager: Dreadful, isn't it?

Crawley: Nylon?

Chris: It's not, it's real look. (he pulls it)

All: Oh yeah, anyone can do that.

(They all do the same. Bradford incautiously pulls his loose.)

Crawley: Come on, get if off.

Chris: Get away.

Toupee Manager: Look, do you want a proper one?

Chris: No, I don't need one.

Bradford: There's no need to be ashamed.

Crawley: We've all owned up.

Chris: I'm not wearing one.

(They all look at each other for a moment, registering 'a hard case'.)

Toupee Manager: Don't you see… this is something you've got to come to terms with.

Chris: I am not wearing a toupee! They just told me to come in here to find the manager's office, to complain about my ant!

(They look at each other.)

Crawley: Pathetic, isn't it.

Bradford: Complain about an ant?

Toupee Manager: This is for your own good.

(He grabs Chris's hair. A fight ensues in which all the assistants get their toupees dislodged. Chris is backed up against a door marked: 'Strictly no admittance'. He suddenly ducks out through this door… and lands in the…)