Sketch:
A high street. Musical theme played on a banjo à la `Steptoe
and Son' opening. Cut to a tracking shot of two tramps walking jauntily
along. They are very arch, over-the-top jolly fellows. They nod at the
occasional passer-by and do mock bows to a city gent.
CAPTION: Up Your Pavement
CAPTION: By the Rev. and Mrs A. G. Phipps
CAPTION: From an idea by Lord Carrington
They come to a litter bin, root in it, and one of them produces
a newspaper. He hands it to the other, looks in again and brings out
a pork pie. He looks in again, his eyes light up, and he produces a
bottle of champagne. He passes it to his mate. He looks in again and
finds two highly polished glasses. Meanwhile over all this and as they
set off down the road together we hear:
Voice Over (Michael)
Taking life as it comes, sharing the good things and the bad
things, finding laughter and fun wherever they go -- it is with
these two happy-go-lucky rogues that our story begins. (by this
time the tramps have walked out of shot; cut to a shot of a sports
car up on the pavement with the legs of the two tramps sticking
out from underneath; the music turns more urgent and transatlantic)
For it is they who were run over by Alex Diamond … (appropriate
music; a James Bond character climbs out of the car and looks down
at the dead tramps) international crime fighter … (shot
of him rushing into a film première past photographers with
flashing bulbs) and playboy … (cut to him on yacht)
fast-moving … tough-talking … (still of him with Henry Kissenger;
cut to him striding down a street) and just one of the many
hundreds of famous people who suffer from lumbago, the epidemic
disease about which no one knows more than this man … (we see
him go into a doorway; cut to a low angle close up of Dr Koning
donning gloves prior to the operation; the music changes to the
Kildare theme) Dr Emile Koning … doctor … surgeon … proctologist
… and selfless fighter against human suffering, whose doorbell
(cut to a doorbell and pan down) was the one above the hero
of our story tonight … (pan down to find the doorbell and name)
Rear-Admiral Humphrey De Vere! (the door opens and the rear-admiral
comes striding out; naval music; he walks up the road) Yes!
This is the story of Rear-Admiral Humphrey De Vere … or rather,
the story of his daughter … (cut to a still of a young inspired
and devoted nurse; the music instantly changes to the heroic)
For it was her courage, foresight and understanding that enabled
us to probe beneath the sophisticated veneer of … (mix to impressive
college grounds) the Royal Arsenal Women's College, Bagshot
… (zoom in across lawns towards the college building) and
learn the true story of this man … (the camera suddenly veers
off away from college and homes in on a solitary bush from which
appears a seedy fellow in a terrible lightweight suit of several
years ago that has got all stained and creased around the crutch)
Len Hanky! Chiropodist, voyeur, hen-teaser. The man of whom the
chairman of Fiat once said…
Chairman (Eric)
Che cosa è lo succiacatori do polli?
CAPTION: What is a hen-teaser?
The phone rings. He answers it dynamically and we zoom in on his
tense, alert, executive face.
Voice Over
Yes! Tonight we examine the career of Gino Agnelli! The man
who started from nothing to build up one of the greatest firms in
Europe. (mix through to stock film of a big car-producing plant)
And whose telescope was bought from the shop part-owned by a man
who, at the age of eight, stole a penknife from the son of this
man's brother's housekeeper's dental hygienist's uncle. (as each
of these things is mentioned we see a momentary flash of a still
of each) The Reverend Charlie `Drooper' Hyper-Squawk Smith (at
this point the freeze frame starts moving as the chaplain lifts
himself out of the cockpit and jumps down beside his Spitfire)
the cleft-palated RAF chaplain, who single-handed shot down over
five hundred German chaplains. (smiling cheerfully he crosses
off another emblem of a vicar in a German helmet on the side of
the plane. Beside this is written ``Here we come Kraut'' Luke 17,
verse 3) This is the story of the men who flew with him …
it really is!
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