What the Stars Foretell

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Sketch:

(Pull back to to see the inside of the house of Mrs Trepidatious. Another old ratbag enters and sits opposite her.)

Mrs O: Morning, Mrs Trepidatious.

Mrs Trepidatious: Oh, I don't know what's good about it, my right arm's hanging off something awful.

Mrs O: Oh, you want to have that seen to.

Mrs Trepidatious: What, by that Dr Morrison? He's killed more patients than I've had severe boils.

Mrs O: What do the stars say?

Mrs Trepidatious: Well, Petula Clark says burst them early, but David Frost…

Mrs O: No, the stars in the paper, you cloth-eared heap of anteater's catarrh, the zodiacal signs, the horoscopic fates, the astrological portents, the omens, the genethliac prognostications, the mantalogical harbingers, the vaticinal utterances, the ffatidica! premonitory uttering of the mantalogical omens - what do the bleeding stars in the paper predict, forecast, prophesy, foretell, prognosticate…

(A big sheet is lowered with the words on.)

Voice Over: And this is where you at home can join in.

Mrs O: … forebode, bode, augur, spell, foretoken, (the audience joins in) presage, portend, foreshow, foreshadow, forerun, herald, point to, betoken, indicate!

Mrs Trepidatious: I don't know.

(The sheet is raised again.)

Mrs O: What are you?

Mrs Trepidatious: I'm Nesbitt.

Mrs O: There's not a zodiacal sign called Nesbitt…

Mrs Trepidatious: All right, Derry and Toms.

Mrs O: (surveying paper) Aquarius, Scorpio, Virgo, Derry and Toms. April 29th to March 22nd. Even dates only.

Mrs Trepidatious: Well what does it presage?

Mrs O: You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail. Although lizard like in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid sub-tropical zones and wear spectacles.

Mrs Trepidatious: It's very good about the spectacles.

Mrs O: It's amazing.

Mrs Trepidatious: Mm … what's yours, Irene?

Mrs O: Basil.

Mrs Trepidatious: I'm sorry, what's yours, Basil?

Mrs O: No. That's my star sign, Basil…

Mrs Trepidatious: There isn't a…

Mrs O: Yes there is … Aquarius, Sagittarius, Derry and Toms, Basil. June 21st to June 22nd.

Mrs Trepidatious: Well, what does it say?

Mrs O: You have green, scaly skin and a series of yellow underbellies running down your spine and tail …

Mrs Trepidatious: That's exactly the same!

Mrs O: Try number one … what's Aquarius?

Mrs Trepidatious: It's a zodiacal sign.

Mrs O: I know that, what does it say in the paper Mrs Flan-and-pickle?

Mrs Trepidatious: All right… Oh! It says, 'a wonderful day ahead'. You will be surrounded by family and friends. Roger Moore will drop in for lunch, bringing Tony Curtis with him. In the afternoon a substantial cash sum will come your way. In the evening Petula Clark will visit your home accompanied by Mike Samrues singers. She will sing for you in your own living room. Before you go to bed, Peter Wyngarde will come and declare his undying love for you.

Mrs O: Urghhl What's Scorpio?

Mrs Trepidatious: Oh, that's very good. 'You will have lunch with a schoolfriend of Duane Eddy's, who will insist on whistling some of Duane's greatest instrumental hits. In the afternoon you will die, you will be buried…'

(A doctor is lowered on a wire. The sketch continues into the 'Doctor' Sketch)