Скетч:
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Sketch:
Two pepperpots are watching the television. They are both called
Mrs Zambesi.
First Zambesi (Graham)
What's on the other side?
The second Mrs Zambesi gets up and switches channels.
Dickie Attenborough (Eric)
(unseen, on the television) Nobody could be prouder than…
Second Zambesi (Terry J.)
Ugh! (she switches the set off)
First Zambesi
Um, shall we go down and give blood?
Second Zambesi
Oh, I don't want a great bat flapping round my neck.
First Zambesi
They don't do it like that! They take it from your arm!
Second Zambesi
I can't give it. I caught swamp fever in the Tropics.
First Zambesi
You've never even been to the Tropics. You've never been south
of Sidcup.
Second Zambesi
You can catch it off lampposts.
First Zambesi
Catch what?
Second Zambesi
I don't know, I'm all confused.
First Zambesi
You ought to go and see a psychiatrist. You're a loony. You
might even need a new brain.
Second Zambesi
Oh, I couldn't afford a whole new brain.
First Zambesi
Well, you could get one of those Curry's brains.
Second Zambesi
How much are they?
First Zambesi
(picking up a catalogue) I don't know. I'll have a look
in the catalogue. Here we are. (she thumbs through it) Battery
lights, dynamo lights, rear lights, brains -- here we are…
Second Zambesi
I'm still confused.
First Zambesi
Oh, there's a nice one here, thirteen-and-six, it's one of Curry's
own brains.
CAPTION: Old sketch written before decimalisation
Second Zambesi
That one looks nice, what's that?
First Zambesi
That's a mudguard!
Second Zambesi
It's only eight bob.
First Zambesi
Aw, I think it's worth the extra five bob for the brain. I'll
give them a ring. (she goes to the phone and dials one number)
Hello, Curry's? I'd like to try one of your thirteen-and-sixpenny
brains please. Yes… yes… yes, ye… um… (looks at her shoe)
five-and-a-half… yes… thank you. (replaces phone) They're
sending someone round. (there is a knock at the door)
Second Zambesi
Oh, that was quick. Come in.
A man puts his head round the door. He is wearing a hat with a
label attached, and speaks in a nasal voice.
Man (John)
Er, hello Mr and Mrs and Mrs Zambesi?
First Zambesi
Yes, that's right. Are you the man from Curry's?
Man
No, I've just come to say that he's on his way. Would you sign
this please.
He hands a bare leg severed from the knee downwards round the
door.
First Zambesi
Oh, certainly. (she goes across to the man)
Man
Thank you very much.
First Zambesi
(she takes the pen from him but drops it) Ooh! (she
picks it up and signs the leg)
Man
Thank you. Sorry to bother you.
First Zambesi
Thank you.
Man
Thank you.
First Zambesi
Thank you.
The man goes. A knock at the door and he reappears.
Man
Um, he's just coming now.
First Zambesi
Thank you.
Another knock at the door
Second Zambesi
Come in!
Man
Here he is.
The door opens and a dummy salesman is flung in, carrying a briefcase.
He flops down on to the floor. The door shuts. The two pepperpots lean
over and look at him for some time.
First Zambesi
Hello … hello …
Second Zambesi
(picking up the dummy) That's not a proper salesman.
(she throws it down) I'm not buying one from him, he doesn't
give you confidence.
First Zambesi
He doesn't give me any confidence at all -- he's obviously a
dummy. I'll ring Curry's. (she just picks up the phone without
dialling this time) Hello, Curry's -- that salesman you sent
round is obviously a dummy… Oh, thank you very much. (she puts
the phone down) They're sending round a real one. (a knock
on the door)
Second Zambesi
Come in.
Salesman (Michael)
Good morning -- Mr and Mrs and Mrs Zambesi?
Second Zambesi
Yes, that's right.
First Zambesi
Yes, that's right … (out of the side of the mouth in a
man's voice) Yes that's right.
Salesman
(to dummy) All right, Rutherford, I'll take over.
He opens a box and produces a device about the size of a small
teapot with various gadgets and wires on it.
Second Zambesi
Oh, that's nice.
Salesman
Yes, we sell a lot of these. Right, shall we try a fitting?
Second Zambesi
Oh, do I have to have an operation?
He starts to put it on her head.
Salesman
No, madam, you just strap it on.
Second Zambesi
Doesn't it go inside my head?
Salesman
Not the Roadster, madam, no. You're thinking of the Brainette
Major.
Second Zambesi
How much is that?
Salesman
Forty-for-and-six.
CAPTION: 44/6d = £2.22½p
Second Zambesi
Oh no, it's not worth it.
Salesman
Not with the Curry's surgery we use, no, madam. (he gets
out some tools) Now then. The best bet is the Bertrand Russell
Super Silver. That's a real beauty -- 250 quid plus hospital treatment.
First Zambesi
Oooh, that's a lot.
Salesman
It's colour. Right. (he begins to twiddle a few knobs; lights
flash on occasionally as he does this) One, two, three, testing,
testing.
Second Zambesi
Mince pie for me, please.
First Zambesi
What did she say that for?
Salesman
Quiet please. It's not adjusted yet. (he makes more adjustments)
Second Zambesi
Oh, I am enjoying this rickshaw ride. I've been a Tory all my
life, my life, my life. Good morning Mr Presley. How well you look,
you look very well … our cruising speed is 610 miles per hour
… well, well well porridge … well, well, well, well, hello,
hello dear … hello dear!
Salesman
Right, one, two, three … (the salesman adjusts a switch)
Second Zambesi
… eight, seven, (he adjusts another switch) four.
First Zambesi
Oh, she never knew that before.
Salesman
Quiet please. Mrs Zambesi, who wrote the theory of relativity?
First Zambesi
I know! I know.
Salesman
Quiet, please! (he adjusts a tuning control)
Second Zambesi
Einstane … Einstone … Einsteen … Einston … Einstin …
Einsten … Einstein.
Salesman
Good.
Second Zambesi
Noël Einstein.
Salesman
Right. That'll be 13/6d please.
First Zambesi
(paying him with invisible money) That's marvellous.
Salesman
She can take it off at night, unless she wants to read, of course.
And don't ask her too many questions because it will get hot. If
you do have any trouble here is my card. (he reaches in his case
and hands her the dismembered part of an arm) Give us a ring
-- give us a ring, and either myself, or Mr Rutherford, (he picks
the dummy up and drags it towards the door) will come and see
you. Goodbye.
First Zambesi
Thank you very much.
As soon as the door is shut, the man's head pops round.
Man
Er, He's gone now.
He withdraws head and shuts the door.
First Zambesi
(tentatively) Er, shall we, er, go down and give blood?
Second Zambesi
(with slightly glazed eyes) Yes, please Mr Roosevelt,
but try and keep the noise to a minimum.
First Zambesi
I'll go and get your coat for you.
Second Zambesi
I'm quite warm in this stick of celery, thank you, Senator Muskie.
The pepperpots appear out of their gate and walk down the street.
We follow them closely.
Second Zambesi
(to neighbour) Stapling machine, Mr Clarke.
First Zambesi
(explaining) New brain.
Second Zambesi
Stapling machine, Mrs Worral.
Into shot comes a pepperpot with identical brain strapped to head,
who is washing her hedge with a scrubbing brush.
Mrs Worral (?)
Stapling machine, Mrs Zambesi.
They walk on passing a bus stop at which a penguin is standing
reading a paper. One or two unexploded Scotsmen lie on the ground at
various places.
First Zambesi
Are you sure that's working all right?
Second Zambesi
Yes, thank you dear. It's marvellous. I think we can win one
or two of the early primaries, we could split the urban Republican
vote wide open.
First Zambesi
Well, here we are then.
They go into a door marked `Blood Donors'.
Second Zambesi
Well being President of the United States is something that
I shall have to think about.
Continued in Blood Donor
